CUE UP lame title music, bad graphics, and laugh track . . .
Good afternoon, America, and welcome to today's episode of The Resin Dating Game. This is Pen, filling in for your regular announcer and trying to ignore the humiliation of MCing a cheesy fake TV show like this one, but Cynthia says I can't change out of this hot uniform or have any deviled eggs unless I play along.
In today's game, we're trying to match three lonely resin guys with the lady of their dreams. Can they convince one of our lovely bachelorettes to move to a small town in Kansas where there isn't even a real mall? Or will Claudine put a stop to the whole plan before these desperate bachelors can convince Cynthia to place an order? Stay tuned to find out!
Aaaaaaand we're back! Let's begin by introducing Bachelorette #1, Ms. Sooah. She's a popular girl, and she's already proven that she can bring strong doll collectors to their knees. Audience, remember, you can see our bachelorettes, but our team of contestants can't. Take a look at the charming and, er, talented Sooah:
(psssst, Jenna, I'm not looking! I promise! Not. Looking.)
Bachelorette #2 is a newcomer to the resin dating scene. She'd like us to call her Christina13. She's a girl with many secrets and a large entourage, but she promises that her angry elf bodyguard won't follow her if she decides to move.
And now that our audience is acquainted with these beautiful ladies, let's meet the hopeless losers, er, contestants for today's game. Ms. Sooah, Ms. Christina13, are you listening?
OFF CAMERA: charming girlish giggles
All righty, then!
Our first lonely bachelor is Shimada Kanbei. Ladies, I live in the same house with Kanbei, and I can tell you that he's a man of mystery: a wandering ronin with a big sword, a gentle heart, and a secret sorrow. And kind of a limited wardrobe.
Our second contestant today is Lyon. This man needs only one name: that’s enough to get him into all the best parties and all the after-hours clubs in London, Tokyo, Seoul, and Emporia. Is he an international financier with eccentric habits? A top male model? A blue-blooded playboy turned cosplaying jewel thief? An alien from outer space? Or just a graduate student with an overactive imagination?
The third member of our contestant team, Cho Sejong, has asked me to say that his family prefers to avoid publicity. He appears on this afternoon's program under an assumed name and assumed hair. A student of the martial arts, a scholar of both the Korean and Chinese languages, and a lover of particularly tall women, “Mr. Cho” would like to note that he feels deep patriotic pride in competing for the affections of such lovely and modest Korean ladies as he is sure our bachelorettes must be. (Huh.)
And now that you've met all the players in today's game, let's--wait! What’s this? A fourth contestant? No way is that little punk going to--I mean, this is against all the rules! Judges? Judges, what’s your ruling? You’re going to allow him to play? This is SO lame—I mean, never in the entire history of The Dating Game has there been—well, if you say so.
Ladies and gentlemen, our surprise fourth contestant: Shunshou the—oh, come on, I can’t read this on the air! Cynthiaaaaaaaa!
Yes, the uniform is hot. And I do like deviled eggs. *snarl*
Our fourth contestant is Mr. Shunshou. He wants me to announce that he has recently returned from a lengthy visit to Southern California, where he hobnobbed with such celebrities as Trent, Dylan, and Wendy. His wit and charm brought an audience of international scholars to its feet, cheering wildly. He believes that guile and cuteness will beat muscles and long legs any day, and he has asked me to mention to our bachelorettes that, unlike his opponents, he possesses an, er, “option part.” Ladies, meet Shunshou:
And that’s our team this afternoon, ladies and viewing audience. (Right? Right?) When we return from our commercial break, we’ll see what these idi--er hopeful guys can do to persuade one of the lovely bachelorettes to take them seriously.
DIRECTOR: Aaaaand we're clear! Two minutes, everybody. Listen, Pen, I could do without the ad-libbing. Stick to the script, okay?
PEN: I quit. Make Etienne do it.
DIRECTOR: Two words, Pen. Deviled. Eggs.
. . . will the director be able to keep her MC on the job with the promise of picnic food? Will the contestant team be able to convince one of the bachelorettes to move to Kansas? The fireworks aren't all in the sky today, folks! Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of . . .
THE RESIN DATING GAME!
CUE UP slightly-less-lame closing-credits music and more bad graphics.