Act One: The Thunderbolt
ME: Atsu-kun, what’s wrong? Don’t tell me the new hard drive is going bad already!
ATSUMORI: Iie, chigaimasu . . . ga . . .
ME: But? But what? What are you looking at?
ME: O-oh. (thinking: uh-oh.)
ATSUMORI: This is a very beautiful lady.
ATSUMORI: She is like a cherry tree in winter. She deserves the love of an emperor.
ME: Um. That’s a lovely sentiment, and extremely Japanese of you, but--you know, sweetie, she's on eBay right now. She’s going to get a perfectly nice home later this evening. See here? The auction ends in just a little while.
ATSUMORI: So desu ka? How does one enter this ah-ku-sha-n? Ah, I understand—this button, and this. It is quite simple, ne?
ME: Ack! No! Don’t push that—ohmygawdyoucan’t—
Act Two: Three Cheers for Dollshe Brotherhood
LYON: What’s up, Atsuji? I thought I heard somebody shrieking in here.
ME (faintly): He just put in a bid on an Evenstar auction. I’m going to go lie down with a cold cloth over my eyes.
LYON: Yeah? Way to go! What’s she like? Er—it is a girl, right?
ATSUMORI (frosty): Hai.
LYON: Hey, no offense, all right? You haven’t exactly been what I’d call forthcoming about yourself since you got here, you know? . . . So is this her on the—whoa. Whoa, nelly.
ATSUMORI (to himself): I think she is lonely.
LYON: Guys! Guys, come and look at this! Atsumori’s bidding on a hot girlfriend for us! She’s tattooed all over!
Act Three: Far Too Much Input
LYON: What did I tell you, huh? Sejong, have you ever seen anything like this?
LYON: Er, Sejong? I’m almost afraid to ask, but--what is that you’re carrying around in the sack?
SEJONG: It is the head of my enemy, of course. Kanbei-dono, do you find this woman pleasing?
LYON: Wait a minute. The head of your enemy? I thought Cynthia explained to you that Saiki wasn’t your enemy. Besides, he went off for a faceup. Where did you get--
SEJONG: I was briefly mistaken. But this enemy is unquestionably the correct one.
NA-NU-RI: I am not! And I cad’t breathe id here!
LYON: It can talk?
NA-NU-RI (plaintively): I’b nod an id. I’b Na-nu-ri. I hab feeligs too, you know.
SEJONG: Silence! Show me this woman, Kanbei-dono. Ah, she is most handsome. Most handsome. What sort of weapon do you suppose she carries?
ATSUMORI: But I loved her first.
Act Four: The Consolation of Philosophy
PEN (offscreen): Psssst! Atsumori! Come up here.
PEN: You know, it was really romantic of you to bid on that girl and everything, but—you probably aren’t going to win the auction. You do know that, right? I mean, I’d hate to see you break your heart over her.
ATSUMORI: My heart is not whole, Pen-san.
PEN: Yeah, I know. I miss Jenna all the time. Long-distance relationships are tough.
ATSUMORI: Life is bitterness. That is what you mean.
PEN: Well, not exactly, but it’ll do. . . . Are you going to be okay, Atsu?
ATSUMORI: I bid a large number of dollars for my lady. Perhaps she may come to me in the end.
PEN: A large . . . oh, wow. No wonder Cynthia’s making those choky noises. Maybe I’d better go check on her?
The End (for now).