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Love in the Time of Online Auctions: a hit-or-miss photostory
Sasha Blaze
sedens
So, I heard this odd faint keening noise from the living room when I got home from the all-day workshop ordeal I endured today . . .




Act One: The Thunderbolt

ME: Atsu-kun, what’s wrong? Don’t tell me the new hard drive is going bad already!



ATSUMORI: Iie, chigaimasu . . . ga . . .

ME: But? But what? What are you looking at?



ME: O-oh. (thinking: uh-oh.)

ATSUMORI: This is a very beautiful lady.



ATSUMORI: She is like a cherry tree in winter. She deserves the love of an emperor.

ME: Um. That’s a lovely sentiment, and extremely Japanese of you, but--you know, sweetie, she's on eBay right now. She’s going to get a perfectly nice home later this evening. See here? The auction ends in just a little while.

ATSUMORI: So desu ka? How does one enter this ah-ku-sha-n? Ah, I understand—this button, and this. It is quite simple, ne?

ME: Ack! No! Don’t push that—ohmygawdyoucan’t—



Act Two: Three Cheers for Dollshe Brotherhood

LYON: What’s up, Atsuji? I thought I heard somebody shrieking in here.



ME (faintly): He just put in a bid on an Evenstar auction. I’m going to go lie down with a cold cloth over my eyes.

LYON: Yeah? Way to go! What’s she like? Er—it is a girl, right?

ATSUMORI (frosty): Hai.

LYON: Hey, no offense, all right? You haven’t exactly been what I’d call forthcoming about yourself since you got here, you know? . . . So is this her on the—whoa. Whoa, nelly.

ATSUMORI (to himself): I think she is lonely.



LYON: Guys! Guys, come and look at this! Atsumori’s bidding on a hot girlfriend for us! She’s tattooed all over!

ATSUMORI: Us?



Act Three: Far Too Much Input

KANBEI: Ahhhhhhhh.



LYON: What did I tell you, huh? Sejong, have you ever seen anything like this?



LYON: Er, Sejong? I’m almost afraid to ask, but--what is that you’re carrying around in the sack?



SEJONG: It is the head of my enemy, of course. Kanbei-dono, do you find this woman pleasing?

KANBEI: Mmmmmmmmm.



LYON: Wait a minute. The head of your enemy? I thought Cynthia explained to you that Saiki wasn’t your enemy. Besides, he went off for a faceup. Where did you get--

SEJONG: I was briefly mistaken. But this enemy is unquestionably the correct one.



NA-NU-RI: I am not! And I cad’t breathe id here!

LYON: It can talk?

NA-NU-RI (plaintively): I’b nod an id. I’b Na-nu-ri. I hab feeligs too, you know.

SEJONG: Silence! Show me this woman, Kanbei-dono. Ah, she is most handsome. Most handsome. What sort of weapon do you suppose she carries?



ATSUMORI: But—but--



ATSUMORI: But I loved her first.


Act Four: The Consolation of Philosophy

PEN (offscreen): Psssst! Atsumori! Come up here.



PEN: You know, it was really romantic of you to bid on that girl and everything, but—you probably aren’t going to win the auction. You do know that, right? I mean, I’d hate to see you break your heart over her.

ATSUMORI: My heart is not whole, Pen-san.

PEN: Yeah, I know. I miss Jenna all the time. Long-distance relationships are tough.

ATSUMORI: Life is bitterness. That is what you mean.

PEN: Well, not exactly, but it’ll do. . . . Are you going to be okay, Atsu?



ATSUMORI: I bid a large number of dollars for my lady. Perhaps she may come to me in the end.

PEN: A large . . . oh, wow. No wonder Cynthia’s making those choky noises. Maybe I’d better go check on her?

The End (for now).
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Aww, how cute! Great story, good luck to Atsumori getting his lady. Or, shared lady? ^^;

And yes, Sejong is awesome. I love his, "What sort of weapon do you suppose she carries?" XD;

Oh, I forgot to say that your subject line makes me think of Emiliana Torrini. Now I need to go get the CD out of my car. X3

Singleness of purpose, that's our Sejong. Heaven help me if he decides he needs a complete enemy rather than just a head, because I'm going to be in the market for a Delf body and a faceup for poor suffocating Squinch-Face and . . .

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